The New Normal?

So I'm feeling better since my last post. I've taken extra measures to try and talk myself off of the ledge. For starters, I am not really looking at social media. If I post, I do it through Instagram. Right now most of my posts are of my three year old nephew, Stone. There's something hopeful about children so instead of being political and angry, I am posting a kid being a kid.

I don't know when I'll be able to go back to work and that's scary. Of course I have applied for so many things in hopes that I receive a little aid but how long that lasts if I get it is anyone's guess. I am disappointed in the way that our leaders are handling this and it's bazaar to me that news briefings have turned into their own form of campaigning. But we are in the new normal then aren't we? I get angry and I feel minuscule. My small life has no bearing and I have been reminded of how insignificant we all are. I have to let that go because it's something I can't control. In fact, this is a solid reminder that I have no control over lots of things.

What has been uplifting is the amount of humanity that is stepping in where our world leaders haven't. so many companies are doing what they can to help small business and to help people in general. Manufacturers are making ventilators and gloves and masks. People that can are donating money to organizations to help those less fortunate. Humans all over are reacting and reaching out to one another. Suddenly, most of us are on the same page.

What has been really weird is that my days are all blurring together. This really is like Ground Hogs Day. This is what my dogs' lives must be like. Eat, sleep, poop. We're all just spinning through space on this floating rock we call Earth and hoping we can hang on. It looks like Mother Nature is really mad at us and she's keeping us grounded until we learn our lesson. It's hard to say if we will. We are creatures of habit.

I wish I could say that I will see everyone soon.

Holy Sh$$t! COVID-19

A lot has happened since we last spoke. I've been doing the "busy" thing like everyone else in the world until now. Now we are all at home and waiting out one one the freakiest and unsettling thing since 9/11. I am going to say a lot of things that many of us can relate to. I will also preface that this is from my perspective. If you read this and plan to make a disparaging comment then you are just an asshole. We all need words of encouragement right now.

In the years leading up to this moment I had been going to a lot of therapy. It turns out that after my Mom had passed away I was suffering from PTSD. When I think of what that is I mostly think about soldiers who went to war and came back with mental trauma after seeing more destruction and violence than any one person should. There are loads of stories of men returning from war who are no longer the same. It never occurred to me that a lay person such as myself would endure PTSD of any kind. I had adversity as child and learned to cope with that but when Mom died I began to experience crippling moments, moments that left me sitting in my driveway waiting for my husband to come home because I physically could not enter into our home anymore. I got nervous if I sat in the living room by myself. I didn't  want to be home by myself. I carried around feelings of angst and I didn't like to eat because my stomach was in knots. Sirens from an ambulance made me cry and I drank every night just to try and numb any feeling whatsoever. It was truly a dark time in my life.

I got better. I learned what my triggers were. The last flight I took was pleasant and I didn't have a panic attack at all for the first time in years. I felt brave. I had just opened a salon and lost my Dad in the same time frame but with the tools from my therapist, I was able to cope and I began to grow a business. In fact, one of the last conversations I had with my Dad he told me he was proud that I was so successful. His exact words were, "You are a true success." While I faced many challenges, I had the tools to face the adversity as it came.

Of course my false sense of security was knocked right out from under me, as it was for all of us, just a few weeks ago. I myself dismissed this pandemic at first. I mean, why would we freak out? This is like the flu and we don't freak out about the flu. Then I was humbled by a salon guest who explained to me the dangers of an unknown virus and this virus in particular. Then that afternoon, the President declared a national emergency. And now, weeks later, my salon is closed. I have filed for unemployment, grants, loans, and sought out jobs I could do online. Suddenly I am without an in income. I am now hoping against all hope for a miracle and that I will get to re-open my doors on May 1. I am not holding my breath.

As the days have progressed during this short time, the triggers that I faced when Mom passed away are resurfacing. I have had sleepless nights. I dream of planes crashing and the world ending. I cry a lot. I try to be an optimist but I am failing. PTSD is strong and it sneaks in faster than a bullet. Every day is a challenge. I try to keep a routine. I walk my dogs. I've been cleaning my house and calling my salon guests, I have also been reaching out to friends giving and receiving words of comfort. We're all in this together and that does not make me feel better. I wish it did.

To be clear, I am confused about God and faith. I have been for a while. I am trying to pray and remain open but it's hard and it doesn't make sense to me at all. If anything, sometimes being ministered to by a friend with the best if intentions leaves me with more fear and more tears. Maybe it will help. But right now it only reminds of what people said to me when both my parents died. "They're in a better place now," they all said. I'm going to admit something. All that did was piss me off at the time. I know that they meant well but in those moments, I missed each parent when they left this world. I didn't give a shit about those condolences. All I knew at the time was that they were gone and they weren't here with me. So I have been reticent to embrace God right now. And someone forcing me to when my mental state is very similar to what it was in the recent past is not helpful. In my perception, it simply negates the fear and anxiety that I am feeling. I don't want to be placated. I am grieving the life that was and I am very much in the anger and despair phase.

I want everyone who reads this to understand that I am not wallowing in self pity. I am doing what I can to keep myself busy. But what I've been mostly doing is trying to prepare and deal with each day as it comes. I don't want to be prayed with right now. If you wish to pray for me that's fine but please understand that mental health challenges are real and by telling someone in a state like mine that God has a plan does not always help. It may help later and maybe I will be open to it. But right now, I am freaking the fuck out and that's o.k. I don't have faith in our world leaders. I see them playing with our health and our lives while they continue to fatten their wallets. I am jaded and I am cynical. I have no idea how this too shall pass. I am literally taking it moment by moment.

It is my hope that this will get better. That we get through it and humanity is kinder and less divided. But right now I am guilty as well of being a part of the divide. I will work on that but for today I will live in the moment. I will do the best I can to use the tools given to me in therapy. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. In any case, I wanted to share my thoughts those of us that are experiencing the same set of fears and doubt.