For me, it wasn’t just a show. I was not in on the trend at first but by the second season, I too couldn’t understand why Ross and Rachel couldn’t just be together and I sang along with Phoebe to Smelly Cat. Oddly enough, what got me to start watching the show was my grandfather. One day we were talking and he asked me about my best friend, Paula. I don’t remember exactly what we were discussing in reference to her. I mostly remember him saying that she looked like Lisa Kudrow. I was impressed. My grandfather was a fan.
He lived in New York most of his life and I’m sure the fact that the show was set in NYC brought back many memories for him. From then on, I started watching too. And every so often before he passed away, Phoebe would come up. And so that became one of the common threads for us along with the fact that I had become a hairdresser like him. In those moments I connected with him in a different way. He was not just my grandfather, he was a fellow fan of Friends.
Friends fans speak the same language. My friend Sonja and I often refer to one another as “Lobster”. When a Friends fan is with another one, we can throw out a quote that is pertinent to any conversation and get it without having to explain ourselves. Many of us can site the episode and sometimes even the episode title. We all know the Easter Eggs in each show and triumph when we know one that someone else doesn’t. Fun fact: I once looked up the books that the characters in the show were reading. I had this bright idea that I was going to read them. Now I may have to.
Even people that are not fans know the show. They know the song. They’ve seen at least one episode and they know who the actors are. And the theme song is beyond recognizable. It is iconic.
When my friend messaged me the news, I did cry. I will never grieve in the way that his family and friends do, but the show is a comfort to me. I take every quiz on Facebook and I revel in the nuances that I now see because I have watched the show thousands of times. Losing Matthew/Chandler means I’ve lost a piece of comfort.
I stumbled across an article years ago about the show and anxiety. Friends was in the title so of course I had to read it. For most of my years on earth, I have suffered from some form of anxiety. Flight anxiety has been the most intense for me. The article talked about the show and how sitcoms are watched over and over because they comfort the anxious. We know that everything will be alright. No one in the show will be hurt and it will end with a laugh. I often watch the show when I am in flight and we turn it on to go to sleep. If I wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and I can’t get back to sleep, Friends will comfort me right back into my pillow.
And then there is the connection to my grandfather. He is eve present with each episode. I don’t even think about it anymore. Papa is just there with me. At some point in any episode, his image comes into my brain and I connect with him. It’s not even conscious for me. It just is.
I never met or got to know Matthew Perry. The only way I ever will now is watch his movies, read his memoir again, and watch Friends. I feel the loss of him. He has been part of my life almost every day in the last 20 plus years and I didn’t even have a cup of coffee with him at Central Perk.
When the Friends Experience made its way to Dallas we went. It was a lovely reprieve in the middle of a long and sad pandemic. Sitting in a chair like the ones Joey and Chandler had on the show brought me right back to the episode when they first got the recliner chairs. We sat in Monica’s kitchen and looked out the window at Ugly Naked Guy. I wanted to buy every Knick-knack I could from the gift shop. When we tired to “Pivot!!!”, I felt more connected to the show. I felt more connected to them.
Friends has been more than a show to me. It’s a feeling. It’s as much a part of me as my grandfather on the phone asking about Paula. I will still laugh every time Chandler hits his own head with the filing cabinet and Ross yells, “Pivot!! Pivot!!” I will rejoice when Monica and Chandler get engaged and giggle when Joey tries to speak French. When Phoebe sings, I will laugh, listen, and cringe at the same time. And I aspire to be as clean and organized as Monica.
The loss of a Friend feels intense. The state of the world is uneasy. There are wars, hunger, and pain on the news everyday. Our elected officials would rather be in a pissing contest with one another instead of doing the work for the people. And maybe this is why I feel the loss as if I knew him. A small piece of comfort left this unstable world. I will miss Matthew Perry even though I never knew him. But in so many ways, he will always be my Friend too. RIP❤️
