So far this year has been quite a journey. It's a journey I hoped I wouldn't have to take so soon. My whole family has been on the roller coaster of life trying to hang on the best we can. When I started this blog it was for the purpose of talking about my life and promoting my work. While I do talk about my life, it's become a way to heal. Maybe by opening myself up and sharing what I'm going through, someone else will get a little healing too.
Next month is going to be a wonderful and tough month all at the same time. Next month we travel as a family to Jones Beach, NY to let mom go and set her free. Next month is also the month she was born. I'm doing my best not to anticipate how I think I'll feel on her birthday. During the time that she lived with us, we made a big deal about her birthday every year. We'll see how I feel when that day rolls around. There are a lot of firsts that I have to experience in this year of grief. They say the first year is the hardest because of all the firsts; the first holiday season with out your loved one, the first birthday with out them, the first time you have a glass of wine without them. There are a myriad of firsts. It's the ones you don't expect that knock you down. So I'm trying to just live in the moment.
I've been working on my second book and that has been therapeutic. I'm busying myself with projects that I enjoy and know she would be proud of. Even with my mom gone, I still want to make her proud. I've been trying to remain positive about a lot things in my life as well. She always believed in me. She was like that with all of us kids. Sometimes she was a little misguided with her advice and her opinions on how she thought we should navigate life but it came from a place of love. It's funny how hind sight is 20/20.
I miss my mom everyday. It's going on the 7th month in my life without her and it hasn't gotten easier. Someone once told me that you just get used to the empty feeling. I don't think I'm getting used to it, I'm just accepting it. I know that it will get better. One day, when I think of her, I'll smile more than I'll cry. Today, I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping that things I do in my life honor her and make her proud. I also hope that I make myself proud. It's important to live life the way she taught me but I also have to live life. I'm not so wrapped up in my grief that I have lost sight of that fact. I'm doing that one day at a time.